


The parabatai conundrum

by kat_fanfic



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood-centric, Alec needs to figure stuff out, Angst, Emotional Hurt, Episode: s01e07 Major Arcana, M/M, Missing Scene, Parabatai, Pre-Malec, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-05-27 20:49:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15032993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kat_fanfic/pseuds/kat_fanfic
Summary: Alec never questions why Jace wants them to become parabatai. It seems like the natural conclusion to their odd relationship – more-than-friends, not-quite-brothers – and somewhere in between the vows and the bright, stinging pain of the rune being burned into his skin, Jace becomes off-limits.





	The parabatai conundrum

**Author's Note:**

> This is set between "Major Arcana" and "Bad Blood" because in my head, at least a couple of hours passed between those two. I don't even know why I wrote this, to be honest. I started it when I first saw the show, then I did a rewatch recently, and I just - the Alec!feels, you know?
> 
> This is unbetaed, sorry!

Alec never questions why Jace wants them to become parabatai. It seems like the natural conclusion to their odd relationship – more-than-friends, not-quite-brothers – and somewhere in between the vows and the bright, stinging pain of the rune being burned into his skin, Jace becomes off-limits. 

For a while, it’s enough. They’re close, even for parabatai. They spend almost all of their time together, training and teasing and fighting, and if Alec sometimes lingers over casual touches, Jace never comments on it. It’s an unspoken rule between them that solidifies with every passing day, with every hint of real intimacy that Jace skillfully circumvents in favor of friendly banter and pats on the shoulder.

 _Never show, never tell_ becomes Alec’s mantra and he internalizes it to the point where sometimes, for a few precious moments, he can even forget that feeling of wrongness churning in his gut, the one that tells him that everything about him is a lie. Good old dependable Alec, rule-abiding and efficient and _boring_ and oh, so very false down to his very core. 

Some days, he doesn’t even know himself anymore. 

He’s been lying to the world since he was eleven years old and a wild-haired, strong-willed, lion-hearted boy burst into his life – and into his heart – with all the force of a strength rune. And while most of what he projects is true enough, at the very center of things, Alec is as much a fraud as the glamour he sometimes wears. 

Even his most sincere emotions are inherently fraudulent; there is nothing familial about the love he feels for Jace, even if they are brothers in everything but blood. He knows the difference in how he feels, because he loves Max and Isabelle with an intensity that frightens him. But even that all-consuming pales in comparison to the fire that burns within his chest for Jace. 

Hiding who he is and what he feels – it’s a way of life for Alec. After years of it, it’s become a habit so deeply ingrained that to give it up now would mean to fundamentally change his very being. 

Most of the time, he doesn’t even want to. There’s a certain freedom in denying himself even the most basic of truths, because when he can’t even admit those feelings to himself, he never really has to deal with them. 

It also helps that, as a rule, he and Jace don’t fight. Ever. They have arguments sometimes, and they even raise their voices on occasion, but they never disagree on anything important, nothing above the level of pop-tarts vs. pancakes for breakfast, or what the best way is to kill a ravener demon. It’s what keeps Alec going most days, this us-against-them mentality he has with Jace.

Of course that changes the moment Clary Fray barrels into their lives. 

From then on, it’s like they can’t do anything _but_ fight, and it gets so bad that the easy rapport they shared for most of their life seems a thing so distant it might as well have been a dream.

It all comes to head when Alec dares to ask that one question that’s always been hovering at the back of his mind, ever since the very first time Jace gently but firmly pushed him away and called him brother in _that_ voice, the one that suffocates every tiny bit of hope Alec has ever harbored of them becoming more than family someday.

He asks during a stolen moment in between chasing after the cup. It’s right after he spent the night at Magnus’ and his head is so full of conflicting thoughts that it actually hurts to try to make sense of them all. 

When he finally gets a hold of Jace, his parabatai’s lips are still swollen from Clary’s kisses. There is a lead ball residing in Alec’s stomach and he’s speaking before he can think better of it. “Why did you ask me?”

Jace looks up, a confused frown growing on his face. “Ask you what?”

Alec hesitates. He almost loses his nerve, almost changes the clarification lingering on his lips to _what I wanted for my birthday when you know that I need new gloves_ , but then he sees the slight narrowing of Jace’s eyes, the barely discernible downward tilt of his lips, and he realizes that Jace knows. He knows what this is about, has probably been aware of Alec’s struggle to voice the thought that eats like acid into his soul.

He clears his throat, evades that sharp gaze. “To bond”, he forces out. “Why did you ask me to bond with you?”

Jace laughs, short and disbelieving. “Alec, what? What sort of question is that? Even for you that’s a weird one.”

Alec ignores the obvious out. “It’s a question,” he answers, voice hard, “I need an answer to.”

Jace heaves a sigh and rubs a hand over his face and up into his wild, unruly hair. It always gets like this when he doesn’t tame it right away after washing, and at one point, Alec had had prolonged daydreams of running his fingers through the soft-looking strands. Now, the only thing he dreams about is a black hole to suck him and his fucked-up feelings in and finally rid the world of the waste of space that is Alec Lightwood. 

He watches Jace, stands at attention, and finds himself calmly waiting for a reply like his heart isn’t about to break out of his chest.

When Jace speaks, it’s in a strangely controlled way, like he wants to taste the words on his tongue before he lets them out. “I wanted you to be my parabatai because I trust you. You’re the best fighter I know, Alec, and there’s no one else I’d rather have by my side when things go nuts.”

Alec nods like he knew that, even though it’s the first time Jace has ever said anything like that to him. It’s not an answer though, not to the question he has really asked, and so he just looks at Jace. 

It’s a while before he acknowledges that Alec is not about to let this go like he has done so many times before, but finally, Jace huffs in exasperation. “What is it you really want to know then, huh, Alec?” He’s giving him that infuriating indulgent little half-smile. “Because clearly, there’s something on your mind that’s distracting you from what’s actually important right now.”

It hurts, this casual disregard of what he’s feeling, even if he knows in his heart that Jace doesn’t mean it like it sounds, not really. He’s a hothead, his parabatai, and he often speaks before thinking it through. 

Alec bites back the sting with a slight shake of his head. “See, I wasn’t sure”, he begins, trying to sort out the words that are tumbling around in his head. “And I guess I have been hanging on to this stupid hope for so long that I’m not even sure if I want it to come true or not.”

Jace is staring at him now like he’s lost his mind. “Get to the point, Alec.” 

He clenches his teeth, and does. “Did you ask me to be your parabatai because you knew about the… about the feelings I had for you?” 

Jace’s head rocks back as if slapped. His eyes widen and for a split second, he freezes. “No,” he says then, “of course not.” 

The hesitation is barely there, and Alec knows that if he didn’t know Jace so well, wasn’t so attuned to him at this very moment, he would have missed it. But it’s there, and he did, and it _hurts_.

He nods, speechless, drawing back into himself as the world blurs in front of his eyes in what he belatedly realizes are tears gathering. He doesn’t let them fall. “I see”, he says, more of a croak than actual words. 

Jace is watching him, helplessness etched into his face. He’s pale and looks just about as wrecked as Alec feels. 

He’s almost sorry he’s done this to them, almost sorry he’s given voice to this _thing_ that’s always stood between them. But then again, he’s not, because finally it’s out in the open and it’s like he’s lanced a wound in his soul that has festered there for almost as long as he can think, and the pain is there and sharp, but there’s also a strange kind of relief.

He must have made a sound, because Jace is suddenly right there. “Alec…” 

Alec jerks back from the hand trying to close around his bicep. “We’re good”, he pushes out as he meets Jace’s pained eyes for a fleeting moment. “We’re good, Jace, just.” He doesn’t have to say it, the ‘give me space’ ringing clear in the half-step he’d taken away from him, in the hands held up in a warding gesture.

“Fuck”, Jace says, and it is such an exact echo of what Alec’s thinking that he can’t help but give a startled laugh. It sounds shaky even to himself, but it’s there and it’s genuine, and that’s more than he had a few minutes ago. 

Jace doesn’t try to touch him again, but he stays close. “You know that I love you, right? You are so important to me, Alec--“

“Jace”, he interrupts and turns to face Jace fully. He feels stronger somehow, as if a weight has been lifted off him. His heart still clenches a little when he looks at his parabatai, but it feels more distant now, like an echo of remembered pain rather than the actual thing. “It’s okay.”

And whatever Jace sees in his face, it’s enough to make him nod and smile, and Alec even manages not to roll his eyes when Clary’s voice rings out in that moment and Jace is already turning to go before he catches himself. 

At least now he knows. 

It’s freeing, this simple truth, and for a fleeting moment, Magnus Bane is foremost in his mind, before he catches himself and remembers that this is not his own story to write, that he’s not controlling his narrative. One burden lightened, another made heavier. 

Alec takes a deep breath, centers himself. One step at a time, he tells himself. One step at a time.


End file.
